Before you had children, when you grieved, your responsibility was primarily for your own well-being. Now that you are a parent, your losses are often losses for your children, too. How do you parent when you’re grieving too? At Highland Hospital Behavioral Health in Charleston, West Virginia, we help children, adolescents, and adults who require psychiatric or addiction treatment. It’s not at all uncommon for our patients to have experienced significant losses before entering our facilities.
Modeling Grief for Children
One of the biggest things that parents can do to help their children manage grief and loss is to model it for them. This can be very difficult, as we are often taught to suppress difficult and painful feelings.
- It’s okay to cry. Not only are you allowed to be sad and cry, but this gives your child permission to do those things, which can be an important process of working through grief in healthy ways.
- Accept help. Whether it’s allowing someone else to look after your children so you can have some time to get things done, letting someone cook meals for you during difficult times or permitting someone else to clean your home so you can focus on more important matters, accepting help from your village teaches your children that they can ask for and receive support too.
- Give clear permission to experience pain and joy. Children get some funny ideas sometimes. They may decide that talking about the loss will make you sadder, so they shouldn’t do it. They may also think that they are not allowed to feel happiness, because it disrespects someone who has died. Indicating that we can simultaneously feel loss and joy, without it reflecting negatively on how we feel about others, may help them feel that they are allowed to share memories and ask questions. Sometimes people share funny stories about a departed loved one at a funeral, and it makes them laugh and cry all at once, and there is nothing wrong with that.
- Seek out support. If you’re struggling to manage your pain after a big loss, getting yourself therapy or joining a grief support group teaches your children that they are also allowed to get outside help when they need it.
Now Is the Time for Grace
During a time of grief, you may need to lower your expectations, not just for your kids, but also for yourself. Pushing yourself or your family to function as you would when you had not just had a significant loss is unrealistic. Even if it is just for a little while, let some things slide. This could mean allowing more screen time, eating foods you wouldn’t normally indulge in, focusing on basic sanitation instead of perfect organization in your home, and saying no to some requests from other people.
Helping Children Cope
Children may have some understanding of death, grief, and loss, but they may also have a lot of questions. It may be difficult for them to understand phrases like “passed away” if they are young, and they may believe that a person who died is just asleep and will wake up eventually. It is important to use direct terms that don’t allow for confusion.
Children may also struggle to find words to ask those questions or to express their pain. Children often turn to play as a means of expression and to process difficult feelings. You may also notice some regression, like wetting themselves or baby talk. You can help children process their feelings by reading them books relevant to the loss, encouraging them to draw pictures of how they are feeling, or building a scrapbook of memories they can look through.
You should also never underestimate the importance of routine. Keeping things as normal as possible will bring children comfort during difficulty. Though you might not be able to keep things exactly as they normally would be, familiar faces and places can also be comforting.
Should Children Attend Funerals?
This is very much a personal decision that depends on the age of the child and their readiness for such an intense experience. If the child does not seem interested in attending a funeral or you choose not to have them go, you can make time to honor someone who has passed by lighting a candle, saying a prayer, planting a tree, or doing something else in their memory.
Signs That a Child Is Struggling to Manage Their Loss
Most children will process their grief and move forward in time. If you notice any of the following for an extended period of time, your child may need a professional intervention, which could start with your child’s pediatrician:
- Loss of interest in activities they usually enjoy
- Changes in sleep or appetite
- Separation anxiety
- On-going regressive behaviors
- Acting like a deceased family member
- Showing signs that they are engaging with the deceased loved one
- Stating they want to die to be with the person they lost
- Withdrawing from friends and family
- Struggling in school or refusing to go
At Highland Hospital Behavioral Health, we know that emotional pain that isn’t managed effectively can create long-term problems for children and adults alike. We are here to help our patients manage all of the various struggles that are impacting their mental health and to offer support to their families.
