Addiction is a disease that causes a lot of pain, not just for the person who is addicted, but also for the people who care about them. Friends, family, and other people who were important in the life of an addicted person may have been victims of lies, manipulation, theft, and more. Acknowledging harm the recovering person caused while they were in active addiction and making amends is part of the recovery process that happens after a person gets sober.
At Highland Hospital Behavioral Health, we treat dual-diagnosis disorders, meaning that some of our patients have faced substance use issues, in addition to mental illness. We are here to help them navigate the recovery progress, from mental illness and addiction.
How to Make Amends
A thorough, meaningful apology should include more than just saying you are sorry. Amends is the process a person in recovery completes, to apologize, take responsibility, and make right, whatever they did wrong, and it should include several parts:
Making amends is a process that includes apologizing, taking responsibility, and actively working to make things right. A complete apology should include these key components:
- Express Regret. Clearly express remorse for your actions. For example: “I’m sorry for what I did. I want to apologize for [specific action].”
- Acknowledge What You Did Wrong. Show that you fully understand your actions and their impact. Examples might include: “I stole money from you to buy drugs.” “I wasn’t the kind of parent I should have been.” “I lied and manipulated you.”
- Take Responsibility. Accept accountability without excuses. Acknowledge your wrongdoing with statements like: “What I did was wrong, and I take full responsibility for it.”
- State Your Intent to Change. Show your commitment to doing better moving forward. For instance: “I’m sober now and will not steal from you again.” “I’ve stopped drinking and want to be a better parent.” “I quit using and will be honest with you from now on.”
- Offer to Make Things Right. Demonstrate your willingness to repair the harm you caused. Examples include: “I want to repay the money I stole from you.” “I’d like to attend counseling with you to rebuild our relationship.” “I am committed to staying sober and becoming a healthier person.”
- Ask for Forgiveness. Acknowledge that forgiveness is a choice and express your hope for it: “I hope that you can forgive me.”
When Amends are Made
Making amends for the harm that occurred during active addiction requires deep reflection into your own behavior. You need to be ready to understand what you did, and how it harmed someone and take responsibility for doing whatever you can to make it right. It takes time for a person to be ready to complete amends correctly, which is why it is the eighth step in a 12-Step program.
Waiting until you have been sober for a while and have done some work on yourself will ensure that you make amends in a meaningful way and it will show the people you are making amends to that you are invested in staying sober and that you will try to avoid causing further harm to them. This may or may not lead to them forgiving you, but they are allowed to decide if and when they are ready to extend forgiveness. It is also important to remember that it may not be appropriate to make direct amends to some people you harmed, as the amends process could create additional harm in some cases. Indirect amends are an option, when this is the situation.
Who Needs Forgiveness?
As you navigate your recovery, it will be important to think about the harm that has occurred. This doesn’t just mean the harm your choices caused but also harm that may have been done to you and contributed to your addiction. This can help you to identify ways you need to make amends to others, but also ways you may need to heal. The people who might come to mind, as you think about forgiveness may include the people who hurt you, yourself, or the people you hurt.
How to Find Forgiveness
If you want to forgive someone, but you are finding it difficult to do so, you may find it helpful to utilize the REACH method:
- Recall. Focus only on the facts of what happened, which will allow you to see it more objectively.
- Empathize. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to see what occurred from their perspective.
- Altruistic gift. Think about a time when you wronged another person and received forgiveness. Remember how you felt to be forgiven and consider if you might like to give this feeling to the other person.
- Commit. If you are determined to forgive the person, make a commitment to yourself to do so. Write it down in a journal or letter to yourself to solidify your commitment.
- Hold. Hold onto the forgiveness and actively choose to change the emotions you feel about the situation. You don’t have to forget how you felt at the time. You are just choosing not to feel that way anymore.
At Highland Hospital Behavioral Health in Charleston, WV, we offer services that are tailored to meet the needs of individuals who are fighting addiction to alcohol or drugs. We offer trauma-informed, evidence-based treatment, which integrates support for mental illness and addiction.