If the recent holidays left you feeling like you need to make some big changes in your life, you might want to consider starting 2025 with some fresh boundaries. For people who weren’t taught how to set healthy boundaries as a child or whose boundaries were ignored by the people around them, the concept may feel a bit foreign and uncomfortable. You may also initially experience pushback from people in your life who aren’t used to encountering boundaries with you, but this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still establish boundaries. At Highland Hospital Behavioral Health, in Charleston, West Virginia, we encourage our patients and their families to utilize healthy boundaries as a way to strengthen their relationships.
What is a Boundary?
A boundary is a rule you establish for your own behavior in a relationship. Sometimes these rules are set unconsciously, over time, but they can also be something you think about carefully and verbalize to someone else.
A boundary doesn’t mean you do not care about the person. In fact, it is usually quite the opposite. Boundaries can show that you care deeply about the relationship but want it to be better for yourself and the other person by preventing miscommunications, resentment, and stress. A boundary does not seek to control the behaviors of another person but simply makes clear to people around you what they can expect from you and how you want them to treat you. Some examples of boundaries include:
- I will not remain at events where people pressure me to break sobriety by drinking alcohol.
- If I am on a phone call with someone and they begin to yell at me, call me names, or otherwise disrespect me, I will end the call.
- I do not have the energy to spend all day at large social events. For my own well-being, I need to leave within 4 hours.
- Being constantly tethered to my electronics is unhealthy and stressful for me. For this reason, I will only be checking emails and group chat messages twice per day. If there is an urgent situation, people can message me directly or call me.
Why People Feel Bad About Setting Boundaries
If you grew up in a household where you were not allowed to say no, particularly if the environment was codependent or abusive, you may have learned that not giving in to what people want makes you selfish or unkind. It may feel like you are doing something wrong when you stand up for yourself and set limits. Even if the people you need to set expectations with care about you, they may have also learned similar unhealthy ideas, so they may need time to get used to the new limits you are establishing.
Benefits of Boundaries
Having healthy boundaries offers a number of benefits, including:
- Conserving emotional energy
- Helping you and others to be more independent
- Improving your self-esteem
- Making your relationships more fulfilling
- Avoiding burnout
- Gaining greater understanding of your own identity
Where to Start with Boundaries
If you aren’t accustomed to setting guidelines for your relationships, it may be difficult to know where to begin, but you may find it helpful to:
- Focus on yourself and your needs
- Consider what is creating stress in your life and set limits in those areas first
- Make small adjustments first, so that you can consistently enforce them
- Give yourself some compassion when you don’t recognize the need for a boundary until you’re already in a stressful situation
- Listen to your gut and allow yourself the freedom to change boundaries as your relationships and your needs change
- Get support from your therapist or people in your life who are good at setting boundaries, if you’re struggling to define and maintain your own limits.
What if People Ignore My Boundaries?
Be prepared for people to test and ignore your boundaries. Know what you will do if this happens. If you have given a person time to adjust to your limits and they continue to disrespect the boundaries you have set, you might consider whether the relationship with this person is worth salvaging and whether it is healthy for you to continue to have them in your life.
At Highland Hospital Behavioral Health, we want our patients and their loved ones to have strong, healthy relationships. This is why we teach healthy boundaries and help our clients begin to practice setting limits with the people in their lives.
