If you are going to spend time with a loved one who is depressed, it can be challenging to think of what to say. No one wants to step into one of the verbal pitfalls that threaten to make their friend or family member’s mental illness worse by saying the wrong thing. How can you let them know you care without minimizing their emotional pain? Check out these helpful suggestions.
Learn the Basics About Depression
What is depression? It is more than having a bad day. Some people may use the word flippantly, such as, “Oh, I’m so depressed!” A person who is living with depression doesn’t make these kinds of statements.
Depression is a mood disorder that impacts a person’s entire body, including their thoughts. It is not a sign of weakness or some type of character flaw. No one asks to become depressed, and professional treatment is often needed to help someone impacted by depression recover.
How Common is Depression?
Depression impacts so many people that it has been called the “common cold of mental illness.” Each depressed person experiences the symptoms of depression differently (and they may not experience all the symptoms on this list).
The following are common symptoms of depression:
- Agitation, irritability, and increased restlessness
- Appetite changes (up or down)
- Changes in sleep patterns (inability to sleep or sleeping too much)
- Decreased energy or feeling “slowed down” almost every day
- Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
- Feeling anxious, sad, or empty
- Feeling worthless (almost every day)
- Loss of interest in almost all activities that previously gave pleasure
- Ongoing feelings of undue guilt
- *Recurring thoughts of death or suicide, wishing to die, or actually attempting suicide
- (Requires emergency treatment)
- Weight changes (up or down)
If someone has been experiencing five or more of the symptoms listed above for at least two weeks, they should be evaluated by a doctor (either their primary care physician or at an Emergency Room.)
Unsupportive Things to Say to a Depressed Person
- “You have so much to be grateful for…”
This statement is the worst thing you can say to someone who is depressed. It implies that if they have enough “good things” in their life, the things will somehow cancel out the depression.
It doesn’t work that way. Someone could live in a palace with every luxury imaginable and be depressed. Another person could live in a simple hut with very few possessions and not feel depressed at all.
Depression is an invisible mental health condition. It lives inside a person’s self and robs them of self-esteem and any happiness they should be experiencing in life.
- “You’re not depressed.”
Unless you are an experienced mental health professional who has conducted a detailed interview and considered the person’s health history, you aren’t qualified to make that statement.
Telling someone who is experiencing the symptoms of depression that they aren’t really depressed and their illness is “all in their head” or “it’s not that serious” is untrue and insulting to them.
- “It could be worse.”
There isn’t an imaginary bar that someone’s emotional pain needs to reach where their depression is legitimate and should be taken seriously. If a loved one says they are depressed, believe them.
Ask them to tell you more about how they are feeling. Ask open-ended, non-judgmental questions.
- How long have they been feeling down or low?
- What does it feel like for them? Depression symptoms can vary from person to person.
- Are they interested in getting professional help? If they don’t know who to call, offer to step in to find the right place for them.
- “Snap out of it.”
A person can’t simply snap out of being depressed any more than they can will a broken leg to get better on the spot. Both of these are medical conditions that require medical treatment and the treatment can’t be rushed.
Treatment for depression may include individual and group therapy. Some people may need to take antidepressant medication as part of their treatment plan. It doesn’t make the depressed person weak, and their doctor isn’t “handing them (the antidepressants) out like candy.”)
- “Go for a walk. You’ll feel better.”
While it’s true that getting some exercise can help a depressed person feel better due to the release of endorphins, these are the body’s feel-good chemicals, and they are released during exercise and other pleasurable activities.
Endorphins are also released when people fall in love, while eating chocolate, or enjoying a great-tasting meal.
In the case of people who are depressed, regular, low-intensity exercise can help some people feel better. It doesn’t take the place of professional help, but should be part of an overall treatment program.
- “You’re just looking for attention.”
This kind of statement discounts the person who is depressed entirely. It says they aren’t dealing with a mental health issue and just want family and friends to pay attention to them.
Someone who is depressed likely doesn’t want to deal with attention from other people. They already feel worthless and hopeless; why would they want to draw attention to themselves? They would rather isolate themselves from others, medical professionals included.
- “I don’t believe that you would take your own life.”
Someone who has just confessed that they feel low enough that they are having suicidal thoughts needs to be taken to the hospital for immediate evaluation. A lay person doesn’t have the experience to determine their loved one’s risk level for self-harm.
A depressed person may take this type of statement as a challenge or more evidence that no one cares about them. Their mental health condition may cause them to take a step toward self-harm they may not necessarily have done otherwise.
Depression is treatable. Highland Hospital offers professional treatment in a caring environment for clients with depression.
