If you have ever changed your behavior because you felt bad for how you treated another person, or you witnessed another person making different choices because they didn’t like the negative impact that they had had on someone else, then you know that guilt can be a powerful motivator. At Highland Hospital Behavioral Health, we think it’s important for our clients and their loved ones to understand the healthy ways that they can harness guilt, while also rejecting the toxic effects of shame.
What’s the Difference?
Some people use the words guilt and shame interchangeably, but Dr. Brené Brown, a researcher and therapist who specializes in the topics of guilt and shame, makes an important distinction between the two. Guilt is when you feel bad about a choice you made, and you recognize the need to do better because your choice doesn’t align with your own values. Shame is when you feel bad about yourself and think you are not a good person because you made a mistake. Shame can be paralyzing and sometimes leads to people concealing errors instead of taking accountability and doing better.
Shame and Recovery
Shame is particularly counterproductive when it comes to recovery from mental health or substance use disorders. We want people to be honest about their mistakes and struggles, to take accountability and make changes. This does not typically happen when a person is feeling shameful.
Shame feeds sickness, because it increases the likelihood that someone will:
- Conceal their symptoms
- Steal or deceive people to get money for substances
- Isolate themselves from people who they fear wouldn’t approve of their choices
Shame is something a person has to unlearn. It doesn’t go away just because a person decides to address their chemical health or mental health needs. It may take some time and practice before a person is able to consistently take ownership over their choices without hiding.
What Causes Shame?
When a person is repeatedly told that they are bad or not as good as other people, they often accept this as true. Adults who were abused as children or during an intimate relationship are good examples of how this can happen. Over time, the person may begin to believe that they do not deserve kindness or love, and they are more likely to resort to self-harm, substance use, and eating disorders to manage difficult feelings.
People also develop shame due to mental health diagnoses, particularly:
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
- Borderline personality disorder
How to Break Free from Shame
You have the power to let go of shame. Some tools you can use to move past it include:
- Speaking to yourself the way you would talk to someone you love and admire. Just as we should never tell our loved ones that they are stupid or make them feel worse for a mistake they made, we shouldn’t do these things to ourselves.
- Reaching out to a trusted person for support. A friend, family member, therapist, counselor, sponsor, or any other person who will be honest and compassionate could be a good choice.
- Talking about what is causing the shame. Often, sharing the mistake will help you to realize that other people have made the error or some similar mistake, and if they are still worthy of our love and admiration, then you are also worthy.
- Use mindfulness exercises to help you recognize and honor your feelings without judgment. Feelings are not something you need to feel bad for having. They exist, and you can observe them without acting upon them or shaming yourself.
- Allow yourself to grieve. It is a normal part of recovery to grieve for the life you did not get to live because of your mental illness and/or addiction. You might feel grief for the damage that your body or your relationships experienced while you were sick. You might even grieve for the loss of coping skills that you now realize were hurting you. It’s not wrong to feel grief, and it doesn’t mean you want to stay sick, but it is important to reach out to a trusted person when you’re having these feelings, so they can remind you that it is okay to have these feelings.
At Highland Hospital Behavioral Health in Charleston, West Virginia, we offer behavioral health services for children, adolescents, and adults, including treatment for mental illness and substance use disorders.
